Coming out again

For about three or four months, I've realized that sharing my status is -- for me -- a lot like coming out, so I've been building on that skill set. I remember how freaked I was when I first decided to share with others that I was gay. With practice, I desensitized myself to coming out; the emotional stakes seemed to diminish, and now I can come out to anyone at the drop of a hat, and fuck 'em if they don't like it.

I've been reading "Boys Like Us: Gay Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories" and the introductory article by Samuel R. Delaney had my head spinning. I realized that coming out is, at its base, confronting the fear and the shame that we've internalized about our homosexuality.

I think this struggle is also apparent now that I have to deal with my HIV. Most of my friends know, and I'm glad to have their support. I told my parents as soon as I could arrange to tell them in person, and they're available for me to lean on as well. I've reached the point that just last week I saw a friend in Lambda Rising in DC and felt comfortable discussing my HIV with him right there in the bookstore. After all, when you think about it, the people in that store weren't a part of my life and they weren't likely to become part of it anyway, so I don't let myself get worked up over their opinions.

Here's another thought: heterodoxy speaks of a "perceptual well" in some of his writings. Your perceptual well is everything that you can directly experience. On the physical level, this is where you live your life. I've found that people who disapprove of me avoid associating with me. They drop out of my perceptual well. They're erased from my life.

I still need to confront the pain, the fear and the shame, but I'm getting better at it all the time.

Moving day + Rain = Blah

Well, it's raining today, which always makes moving even more of a chore. I'll be leaving soon to help Kirk pack up his stuff, even if we may not move it today.

Just got back from brunch with Russell at a local deli and now we're sitting in my apartment while he calls our friend who had the heart attack on Wednesday. He spent brunch telling me about his exploits last night with a guy who followed him home from the bar. ;-)

Personally Positive

Well, the weather didn't cooperate, so Kirk and I didn't actually move anything into his new apartment. Instead, we worked on putting some of his things in order. My biggest contribution was wiring the speakers in his bedroom, so now he has music throughout the place.

Around 6 p.m., we grabbed some potatoes and some BBQ ribs and headed down to my place, where we prepared dinner and then lounged around listening to the Empire Brass. We discussed going to see the new Potter flick, but agreed that we probably didn't have the energy.

I've emailed with two guys via Positive Personals over the past couple of days. I got an email from one guy and sent an email to another guy. They both seem nice. The guy who emailed me lives in Virginia, so I'm hoping for regular correspondence and maybe some face-time someday.

The guy I emailed lives very close to me, so maybe we can hang out together. His profile very strongly expressed his desire for a monogamous relationship, so I let him know that I didn't think I was ready for something like that after breaking up so recently. He's new to Baltimore, and I'd like to get to know him, but I didn't want to buy into some implicit contract that, by responding to his ad, I was agreeing to be monogamous. :-)