Flooded

There's this flood of anxiety within me, a fear of not having enough money. I don't try to build dams to hold back this fear. Instead, I try to let it flow through channels that tame it. I know that I have satisfied my rent, insurance and commuting costs through the end of the month. I know that I can feed myself. I know that my parents will be happy to loan me money. I know that I have friends that I can also count on.

However, sometimes the fear rises and overflows the banks. I'm suffering one of those times now.

I took another $100 out of savings today. Subtracting the $2 "convenience fee," I now have $17 in my savings account in Florida. I have about $217 in my checking account here, but I have a turn-off notice from the electric company demanding about $120. The due date on that is Oct 20; I'll have to put that in the mail today. Then there are the bills for my cell phone, cable, phone, American Express, etc.

None of these bills are huge. Without checking each one, I figure I owe less than $400, but what I refer to as my "financial insecurity" is no longer testing my limits. It's gone past them.

If I call upon my parents or my friends to help me, then I'm looking for another job. It's one thing to lose my own money in this folly. It's quite another to sponge off others when I seem to making poor choices. I have communicated this contingency plan to my boss in the past. He knows that once I can't support myself with him, then I'm going to find something else.

I'm tired. It takes a mental effort to manage these feelings. My trust in the universe doesn't seem to extend this far.

I warned Robyn about my finances last Monday and he's trying to wring some payments out of the clients that owe us money. I have no idea if that will materialize in time. Even if it does, I think I'm at the end of my rope. I'm tired of bleeding.

About Last Night

I like using that title for entries -- "About Last Night." :-)

Anyway, last night was the housewarming party for cjliotta and xavier78. DM came home from work Sunday afternoon and we napped together for about an hour. I awoke at 5:59 pm, and I had to catch a 6:15 metro out of Pentagon City to make my connections and reach the party by 7 pm. I quickly scribbled down the relevant information, grabbed the PS2 and off we went.

When I got down to the platform at Pentagon City, my train was just pulling into the station. The people on the platform were stacked, filling the entire platform. Somehow, I managed to get down the escalator and dodge to the right where there was a set of doors that most people were ignoring. First connection made!

I made the crossover to the red line on time as well, and caught the G8 bus to Avondale on time, although the driver scared me a little because she couldn't immediately remember which stop I was trying to describe. It came to her, however, and I sat back to nervously hope she would remember.

I did manage to disembark at the proper stop, but then realized that I had left my scribbles at DM's house, so I called legalmoose for the address. I made it to the party at just about 7, and there were already folks there.

I had a great time. It was nice meeting still more new men, and the inevitable porn review was also fun, made much more fun by the sniping comments from the audience! I was also very pleased to present the PS2. It had been sitting in my closet for almost two years and I was glad to be rid of yet another box. Finally, it was very nice having heterodoxy sleeping on my chest while I gently stroked his hair.

todc and heterodoxy gave me a ride back to the metro, and DM picked me up at Pentagon City. He had Freddy with him, a man that we had met at the Friday night Body Electric happy hour at Titan. They had cupcakes! We went back to DM's house, where we ate cupcakes and talked for a little bit before watching Rex the Runt on DVD.

After watching seven episodes, it was nearly three in the morning. DM fell asleep on Freddy's chest. I wasn't sleepy, and I began to pet Freddy a little, which resulted in his ejaculation about 30 minutes later, all with DM sleeping on his chest! DM woke at this, and we decided that Freddy would stay the night. We all undressed for bed and they put me in the middle, where they both worked on me, teasing me into an ejaculation of my own.

A pretty nice evening!

Writing the open book

I'm truly blessed by the support that my friends offer me. The words of encouragement, the offers of assistance, the strong, man-to-man hugs, the tender kisses. Every one is a balm.

I sometimes wonder if I share too much. Nobody I know is as forthcoming with their financial or medical status. Particularly money. We've tied our identities up with our wherewithal, when it's really just a number.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends believe I am somehow trying to manipulate them into buying things for me. In the back of my head, every offer to pick up the tab is examined to make sure that I didn't unconsciously act the victim to provoke it.

But if I didn't share so much, I wouldn't get the support that my friends give me -- the emotional support. They would have no idea when I was scared or lonely. This is what happens when I really let people know how I feel.

Cutting back

I resigned from the bowling league today. The fees are $14 per week, and I already owe for last week. I was expecting to owe for four weeks, because I have to give two weeks notice when resigning. Fortunately, a new bowler, Michael, will be taking my slot, so he will be paying the bowling fee.

Now I only have to pay up $28, which David, the league treasurer, agreed to let me owe for a week or so.

I would have owed for only one week, but I let Michael and Louie talk me into bowling today. I did, however, put in my best showing to date and my team won two of the three games and the overall pin count against a pretty evenly matched team. There was in fact no handicap for either team -- our team averages totaled with only a one point difference.

After bowling, Louie drove me home and checked his email on my computer while I napped. Then Russell came over and we watched this week's episode of Enterprise. He went home, and I went back to musing, emailing and writing.

It's been an amazing weekend. My little pity party on the train this afternoon seems so far away right now. Bowling really cheered me up, and I talked about all of it with Louie too. Still, I'm not sure that I could have let that pass through me without my journal and the votes of support.

Of course, I'm still planning on having a heart-to-heart with my boss tomorrow. :-\