Not a good day

I've been depressed today. The weather doesn't really help; it's cold and raining here.

My mood took a downturn after I watched the latest episode of Lost during this morning's commute. It was another good episode and we learned a lot about Charlie's character. The theme to this series seems to be redemption, but even a happy ending makes me introspective. These days, introspection can lead to depression.

Next, I pulled out the copy of the Johns Hopkins Gazette that I picked up off the train last night because one of the headlines mentioned HIV: "Tackling the effects of 'drug cocktails': New clinic focuses on problems unique to HIV/AIDS treatment." One of the paragraphs soured my mood a little more:

"Up to 50 percent of patients on HIV medications -- so-called 'drug cocktails' -- experience lipodystrophy, conditions that broadly include increased rates of diabetes and pre-diabetes; development of fat inside the abdomen, or fat loss and wasting in the buttocks, face, limbs and some areas of skin; elevated blood cholesterol levels; and osteoporosis."

None of that was unknown to me, or at least I knew most of the possible complications, but it was still a sobering thing. I thought for a bit about these body changes and the prospect is unpleasant.

I had checked my bank balance last night via phone, hoping that kenny73's check had cleared. Instead, the balance dropped again, down to -$57.53. Looking at my account now, I see there's something called a Check Card NSF Fee of $32, so now I have to call up the bank and bitch them out for holding my money and then charging me for not having any.

I was also considering the prospect of canceling my upcoming square dance weekend in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. This is my favorite event each year, and I've been looking forward to it even more since I've had to skip my regular event schedule this year. However, with a negative bank balance, I had just about decided to cancel my attendance.

Over lunch, I mentioned this to my boss. He was concerned about my mood, so I shared these things with him. When I mentioned my weekend, he thought for a moment and said he would cover it for me. I'm guessing that he'll take heat for this from his girlfriend, but he convinced me to accept it.

We have over $13K in outstanding invoices that are coming due, so I should have money again soon, but I'm frankly tired of not being able to provide for myself. The cumulative effect is wearing me down. Russell took me out on election night. Kenny sends me a gift of some cash. My boss is going to pay for my weekend. I'm afraid that they'll figure out I'm not worth it; I don't want to be a parasite. Those outstanding invoices are the only thing preventing me from jumping ship right now.

On the other hand, I feel like all of these obsessions are just burning away one by one. Relationships. Jobs. Finances. Now body image. I wonder what I'll be left with when I've let these things go?

Tonight I'll be having Kirk over for a visit. Maybe a movie, maybe some board games. I'm glad that I'm not going to be alone.

Games!

Yesterday was a good day, despite the uncertainty about the election and its ultimate decision. I had a pleasant lunch with legalmoose at Union Station and I visited with heterodoxy in the evening. spiritquest joined us for some sort of stock market game, which was interesting and we played a game of 10 Days in Africa, which I managed to win.

Doug prepared hot dogs and salad for us and served me a slice of his oatmeal raisin pie, which was pretty darn good! I scraped the plate clear of all the crumbs that I could. :-)

The last train to Baltimore now leaves at 10:40; I arrived at the train station with an hour to spare, so I sat with The Fall of Hyperion.

Car Costs

I finally got around to asking the Oracle Google for the average cost of owning a car. AAA says $8,431 per year. The Bureau of Traffic Statistics says $7,754 per year.

Using AAA's figures, that works out to about $23 per day, on average. BTS indicates about $21 per day.

Change of plans

I got a notice from my bank today informing me that they have sent kenny73's check to collection and removed the funds from my account. The notice is dated November 1, three days ago.

Kirk's not going to spend the evening with me after all. He invited me to his apartment instead, but I don't have the energy for the walk. Neither of us wants to walk in the rain, I suppose.

I just received a couple of encouraging emails from Kenny, which are greatly appreciated. He's going to be calling me tonight sometime, and that will be a comfort as well.

I think some more journaling is on the table for tonight.

This seems familiar

I met Jerry in Jacksonville, Florida in 1989. I was 21. I'm not sure how it happened, but we became boyfriends. When he announced that he was returning to Baltimore, I accompanied him. We moved into our apartment at the Park Charles in downtown on February 2, 1990.

He took a job with Associated Catholic Charities and I got work as a temp. I signed my paycheck over to him each week and he took care of the bills. I still don't know why I did that -- stupidity is the only explanation I can find.

Jerry got a new job in DC and he told me that they wanted him to move there so he could still get to work in case of a snow emergency. He said he had ninety days to make the move, so I figured we'd have time to decide whether I'd be moving with him. He had a new apartment in DC within a week and left me.

So I was alone in Baltimore. No boyfriend, no friends, no family, no steady job and no money. I was living in an apartment that was twice as much as I could afford on my own. The rent was also past due; Jerry neglected to pay it before he left.

Jerry did convince me to sign papers removing me from the lease. That's the one good thing he did -- he took responsibility for the entire thing. I realized later that he already had thousands of dollars in bad debts, what was another?

But I still had to find a new apartment before I was evicted, which could have come at any time. I spoke to the staff in the leasing office and told them exactly what was happening. I suspect that they delayed proceedings on my behalf, because I never got that notice and I was able to find a new apartment and scrape together the security deposit and first month's rent. I moved in on May 2, 1990, three months after moving to Baltimore.

There were moments during that time that I felt like jumping out the window, but I persevered. I found friends, I got a job that I would keep for thirteen years, I found a boyfriend that I would also keep for thirteen years. I built a life almost from the ground up. I could have gone slinking back to Florida by appealing to my parents, but I stood my ground.

I got through that period of my life. I'll get through this as well.

And what happened to Jerry? Jerry got his apartment in DC, but his credit history demanded that he have a cosigner, so he forged the signature of another tenant, Thom, who we had met. Thom learned this from the landlord and Jerry had to leave. I heard that he went to Denver.

I actually ran into Jerry in 1996, in San Francisco, during the annual convention of the International Association of Gay Square Dance Clubs. He walked right by me without recognizing me and I had nothing to say to him. Ett told me that he had been looking for me. He asked her about "that red-haired guy I used to date." I have no idea if he was trying to help her remember, or if he actually forgot my name.

Charmed, I'm sure

I lead a charmed life in many ways. Things happen, doors open right when I need them to. Sometimes I won't realize how the pieces fit until I look back on things, but the pattern is there.

My close friends in Baltimore who have known me for years have noticed this phenomenon. Kirk refers to these events as "Hunnicutt moments." In fact, on the occasion that he gets a bit of luck in his life, he'll call me up to share his "Hunnicutt moment." I tried to tell him that if they're happening to him, they're his moments, not mine, but he still refers to them that way.

I was stifled in Jacksonville. I was a 21-year-old fag in the bible belt, risking my life cruising the parks. Jerry, the asshole, took me away from that and left me in Baltimore without a stain on my credit history. He came, we moved, he left. Like the hand of God, he delivered me from Jacksonville. He's the one that introduced me to the square dancers, who quickly became my family of choice when my own family still couldn't accept me for who I was.

One of my new friends, George, offered to let me stay with him if I got evicted. He even said he had room for my possessions. I never needed to rely upon him, but the offer of assistance was a comfort.

My thirteen-year job? My first temp assignment was at that company. I worked for them for three days. Three months later, after they wouldn't need to pay a fee to the temp agency, they called me and offered me a job.

Back in Jacksonville, I had an automobile accident late one night. I spun out on an entrance ramp to I-10, bouncing off a guard rail and coming to a stop past the curve where oncoming traffic couldn't see me. I was stunned, and my glasses had flown off my face, so I couldn't see. A dangerous situation; if another car had come barreling around that curve, it would have hit me, but the very next vehicle that came around that curve was an ambulance. I wasn't seriously injured.

A couple of months ago, it was raining in DC and I didn't have an umbrella, so I bought one. I took the yellow line to the convention center to meet Robyn, and found an umbrella on the metro car, leaning against the door.

It rained today, but it hadn't started in Baltimore this morning, so I left home without an umbrella. By the time I got to DC, it was raining. I considered purchasing an umbrella, but I didn't want to spend the cash, plus I wondered if I would find another umbrella on the metro. I took the metro to the convention center stop to meet Robyn. Someone had left an umbrella in the metro car that I sat in.

This is all anecdotal, but I have friends that will testify that this happens to me often enough to get noticed. Even now, when I'm overdrawn on my bank account, Kenny sends me cash. Russell takes me out to a party that I had cancelled. Robyn pays for my square dance weekend. I find an umbrella when I need one.

I have no idea what the mechanism is, but I've incorporated the expectation that these things happen into my personality. It's one reason that I can maintain a cheerful attitude and a faith that things always work out, that I get what I need. Even bad things happen for a good reason, even if I have to make that reason myself.

I remember reading someplace that in the end, everything will be okay. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Feeling fine

I'm making dinner and sitting down in front of Star Trek: First Contact. Just watching the opening credits and listening to the score makes me feel happy. :-)

I'm dating myself

I made a simple meal for myself: a breaded chicken patty, some noodles rolled in butter and lemon pepper and carrots in a butter and brown sugar glaze, washed down with the rest of my Coca-Cola. Dessert was some shortbread cookies that I had laying around and then I made some popcorn to help me finish my movie. I washed down my pills with some pineapple juice.

I remembered to clean up the kitchen after I was done eating, putting the movie on hold for a few minutes.

Dinner and a movie -- what a nice date. The only thing missing is the sex, and I think I can manage some efforts in that direction as well. ;-)