The Long Dark Bedtime Of The Soul

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a honeydew?

A melon-collie baby!

It's late and I'm alone in my apartment. Sometimes I feel like two people. One of them is the joyful, cheerful, optimistic guy with the "jaunty walk" that Vincent T. commented on over ACDC weekend. The other gets scared and lonely. That one sometimes takes the stage in the evenings when I don't have anything else planned or anybody to hold onto.

I'm feeling a little down tonight. I've been picking through the music library on my laptop, selecting songs that reinforce that mood. I believe that it's important to honor -- if that's the right word -- these moods and not try to run away from the feelings. One thing I can do is try to figure out what I'm feeling and write it down.

I guess it started when I stopped to reflect on the friends who made sure I knew that I could call on them if I needed money: Doug M., Chris K., kenny73 and todc. I'm sure that there are others that feel the same way.

But sometimes I feel like I'm a failure when it's not certain that I can take care of myself. I've already written here that I'm prideful and too self-reliant.

One of the confusing things is that I believe that I could almost immediately find a better paying job, but I'm still committed to this job and to Robyn. I know that this entire situation is of my own making and I can walk away from it whenever I so decide, but I don't know if that's what I want to do.

Ironically, when I had money, I helped save a friend from homelessness to the tune of $1,500 with no thought of whether I'd ever see that money again. It's been years now, and he's nearly finished paying off the debt. He's got his pride, too. So I do believe that people can be generous that way.

I also believe that our society's ideas about success are screwed up to a large extent. More money. More stuff. More. I never really bought into those ideas (no pun intended, really), but I'm not completely free of them. A man should be able to support himself.

And, to be objective, I am supporting myself. I'm just afraid that I won't always be able to, that I'll miss the mark someday.

When If that happens, at least I'll have my friends and family.

My song selections started to drift away from the "woe is me" genre before I started writing this entry. While I've been focusing on my writing, my "inspiration" playlist has been running -- a different list from the "cheerful" songs. I'm not really feeling inspired, but I'm feeling better than I was.

Witty Repartee

Last night we went to the Cowboy Cafe after the heart circle to enjoy half-price burgers and wish Shannon, our server, good luck. The Cowboy is closing and she's traveling to Ireland for a bit.

We got on the subject of pre-adolescent sexual fumblings. For instance, I first had a cock in my mouth when I was in the second grade. During naptime. ;-)

Anyway, Bob R. was telling us about playing "doctor" with a little girl when he was a boy. Chris K. asked him if Bob ever played "doctor" with her again. Before Bob could answer, I hooted, "Of course! He was a preferred provider!"

Yawn.

The worst part of my day is crawling out of bed. Not because I dread the day, but because I absolutely love burrowing under my toasty warm comforter. Throwing back the covers and leaving the nest is so very hard for me. This morning I played snooze bar tag for an hour.

Once I'm in the shower and my higher brain functions are engaged, life is good, but getting to that point is a real struggle. Maybe that's why folks drink coffee in the morning. Nothing like a caffeine addiction to pull you into the kitchen. :-)

On the mend

I told my doctor about my muscle pain on Monday. He pressed here and there and his opinion is that I've pulled an abdominal muscle.

The pain has been a little less each day. If I take a couple of Advil, the pain is almost entirely gone now and I'm not taking the Advil anymore. The pain isn't really that bad anymore.

HIV Icon

I was on the train from DC to Baltimore just a few minutes ago, thinking about finding some soft of LJ icon having to do with HIV -- a red ribbon or something.

Then lowfatmuffin posted an entry that included an image of a computer model of HIV. Perfect!

I grabbed the image and reduced it. Bingo! A new icon! HIV and geekiness in one image!

Reaffirming Me-ality

Just a note: this journal is for me. The rest of you are just along for the ride.

I had to remind myself of that this morning. Last night, I wrote an entry that was more than a little self-pitying. Hey, it happens. This morning, I woke up and thought, "what was I thinking?" and switched it to a private entry.

But then I realized that yes, I had happy feelings yesterday afternoon and yes, I had sad feelings late last night. Mood swings are normal. So when I arrived in DC for work, I switched it back.

My boss didn't come into DC today, so I caught a train back home shortly after noon so I could heat up left overs for dinner and save a little money. I don't know what we're doing tomorrow, but I'm not getting on a train until I've heard from him.

C2 class was tonight. Not too bad. Next week is a review, so that will be a bit of a relief. Ett's also calling the square dance this Saturday and she might throw in some class-level C2. Unfortunately, I'll be playing games with the gang at todc and mai_neh's house, so I'll miss it.

Fluffy called me tonight to say he's got an extra ticket to Oklahoma at the Hippodrome tomorrow night! I've never seen this show, so I expect to have a good time.