To the point

About a week and a half ago, I posted an entry about my lunch with jhim. I wrote a little about how I've been finding that my life becomes a lot less stressful and less complicated when I strive to be as authentic as possible and not squelch my natural reactions to things.

I visited my doctor this morning to make my usual blood sacrifice so the guys in the white lab coats can read the signs and portents. Along the way, I picked up a copy of the Urbanite, and there's a Chinese proverb quoted on page 11 that reminded me of those thoughts on authenticity:

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

That seems to sum it up beautifully for me. I've learned a lot about letting go of who I think I should be — or what I believe other people think I should be — to just work at being who I am.

I have issues too

Yesterday evening, I got a call from Russell as I was leaving the office. He wanted to coordinate which train that we would be riding on because he was out of sorts over Pauly and wanted to talk with me. I had to tell him that I was going to be traveling to Arlington for the monthly heart circle that Doug M. hosts at his home, so I wouldn't be on the train with him.

The idea of the heart circle interested him. I've described it to him before, but he asked me to go over it again. Then he decided that he wanted to go too. He felt that it might be just what he needed.

Since I broke up with him over two years ago, we've renegotiated our relationship. It wasn't a break, it was a change. One of the things that I've tried to do is set up a few boundaries to keep from sliding back into a relationship that's too much for my comfort. I also don't want to encourage any co-dependency on his part, which was something that I had to watch out for when we were together.

So when he said he wanted to go to the heart circle with me, I instantly felt uncomfortable and anxious. However, the heart circle isn't mine. I couldn't selfishly push him away from that, although I really felt like I wanted to. I wanted to keep it as a safe space — no exes allowed! Still, I told him that he could come and that he would be welcome.

It didn't help that he spent a lot of time on the phone, talking about Pauly with Pauly's sister or some counselor. I waited with him in the New Carrollton Amtrak waiting room while he was on the phone, but when it was obvious that he wasn't going to ring off so we could be on our way, I approached him with the intention of telling him that we had to leave — he could accompany me or not. He knows me well, apparently; he saw me coming and picked up his case to fall in beside me without pausing in his conversation.

Then we got to Pentagon City and he had to use the rest room. Another delay. I worked to keep myself from feeling rushed and upset. I never want to be late to a heart circle, and this is the closest thing I have to an organized spiritual practice. Then he wanted to get something to eat, but I dissuaded him. Still, we managed to catch a bus almost instantly and soon were on Columbia Pike near Doug's house. At this point, I judged that we had enough time to have a bite to eat, so we stopped at a little Greek place for gyros.

Then Pauly called, and Russell fought with him over the phone. It was very frustrating to me, because he wasn't eating his dinner; we were wasting time. I had to remember that we were just a few minutes from Doug's house by foot and that we still had time. But I was also frustrated, because I was afraid that Russell wouldn't be centered enough to appreciate the heart circle, that he would be too agitated.

Finally, as we were beginning to walk to Doug's house, I broke into his fight to ask to talk with him. Russell told Pauly he'd call back in five minutes and rang off. I explained that the heart circle was very important to me and that it would be a great experience to him, but he needed to back off from the current issues and calm down. I suggested that he call Pauly back to explain this and then turn off his phone, which is what he did.

When I read what I've written, it sounds kind of bossy to me, but I was as gentle and reasonable as I could be. I also don't think that I communicated any of my reluctance to him in my body language or my voice. Despite my anxiety, I tried to help him prepare for the meeting.

As we approached Doug's house, the road crossed a small wooded ravine, and I immediately decided that a walk through the woods would help to calm him down. As we walked under the trees, I talked about the shade. I encouraged him to take in the scent of the trees and the leaves underfoot. I pointed out the birds singing around us. I looked back, and he was still clutching his cell phone in his hand. I suggested that he put it away. After all, he wasn't going to need it until after the heart circle. This detour was only a few minutes, but it certainly helped me to find a more serene space.

We actually arrived before anyone else, including Doug. We went on into the house and I sat Russell down in a comfy chair while I collected the things for the circle. Mickey and Alan showed up and I made introductions. I started bringing in chairs and noticed that Russell was missing. He was outside. On the f-ing phone again. I ignored him and kept setting things up; after a few minutes, he completed his call and came back inside.

The heart circle itself was great. All of my anxieties were unfounded. In fact, when the talking stick came to me the third time, I came clean and described all of the turmoil I went through getting to the heart circle that evening, telling everyone — including Russell — how I had reacted to the prospect of him "invading" one of my spaces. That was the final bit of closure, and it all seemed so silly in retrospect.

Mickey drove us into town and dropped us off at Union Station, where we played Pass Sodoku on my PlayStation. On the train, I gave him an episode of Wait, Wait — Don't Tell Me to give him a laugh and then we played another game of Sodoku.

In the final analysis, he and I had a pretty nice evening together despite all the drama. I feel very pleased with how I handled myself and I was very happy that Russell enjoyed the circle. I'm wondering if he'll want to come on a regular basis or visit the circle that Mickey's going to start hosting at his home in DC.

Laying low

In the heart circle, the talking stick is passed around the circle three times, giving each man three opportunities to get something off of his chest.

Have you ever been standing at a bus stop and somebody makes an innocent comment to you and you — seeing no reason to ignore them or act rudely — make an answer to them. Having found someone that will acknowledge their existence, they then launch into some long opinionated rant while you wonder what the hell you're going to do now.

I had just that experience Monday morning and shared that with the circle.

Monday morning was cold and wet. Well, cold by the standards of a poor boy from Florida, anyway. I contacted my boss by cell and he suggested that I take the bus because the rain was dragging out his morning commute.

So I'm there at the bus stop, and this guy says, "has the F13 come by yet?" I told him that I hadn't seen it and he thanked me. Then he related some newspaper story he found about a woman shot her husband, her child and herself after discovering that she had contracted HIV from her husband. Well, opinion-guy was off and running -- talking about how the woman was going to Hell and how "the AIDS" was going to get you if you messed around. About how women couldn't trust their men and that he'd be happy to put a bullet in his brain if he had "the AIDS".

I felt like a complete coward. I could have told this guy that he was talking to a person with HIV. I could have said that, yes, there are folks that have lived with HIV for more than twenty years. I could have said so much.

But at the same time, I firmly believed that this guy was just in love with the sound of his voice. He wasn't looking for a conversation. He just wanted to bend somebody's ear.

All this time, I was looking for my bus, which seemed to be running late. Of course, the F13 is my bus, so he'd be riding it as well. I called Dayle back to say that the bus wasn't showing up. To make a long story short, he picked Brenda and me up at the station and I got to escape opinion-guy.

As I related at the circle last night, I was kind of miserable while this guy was spouting off, but almost immediately put him out of my head until sharing the incident at the circle. And now that I've made this entry, I don't think I'll spend any more time thinking about it.

Maybe I'll speak up next time.

Realizations of the nomad

For some time now, I've been bouncing all over the region. Just in the last few days, I've been house sitting in DC, I've visited grok and mai_neh in Wheaton, I stayed with Paul in Anacostia and attended Pride in downtown DC, back to Baltimore, then the heart circle in Arlington. Tonight I'll be visiting Alan in Arlington to see about taking one of his bicycles off his hands, then starting another house sitting run at Jim's.

My apartment is nice, but it's feeling more like a base camp than anything else. When I travel around, I pack the essentials. If the stuff I'm carrying around is the stuff I need to have with me, then what's the rest of the stuff back at my apartment?

More and more, I can feel myself creeping up on a time when I'm going to start a flurry of activity to get rid of the stuff that's cluttering up my closet. It'll be terminating my relationship with so much of these things — like breaking up with my stuff. "It's not you — it's me."

This was the other thing that I shared at the heart circle last night.

Cycle One

I have a new bicycle, courtesy of Alan's push to unclutter his home. In addition, he gifted me with a tire changing tool, some sort of hex wrench tool, some CO2 cartridges to reinflate flats, a cable lock, a kryptonite lock, a patch kit, something to repair the chain with, bicycle grease, a helmet, an extra reflector, and some sort of bike computer. I think that's the list.

I managed to find his home easily from the Ballston metro station, and I was able to navigate the metro system with the bike without too much trouble. Back at Dupont Circle, I biked from the metro station to Jim's home and chained the bike up behind the house.

Now I have to get the bike from DC back to Baltimore. Anticipating this need, I signed up for ZipCar last week. My plan was to toss the bike into the back of the car (the web description for a nearby car says it will hold a bike if you remove the front tire), drive the bike to Baltimore, then return the car to DC.

Except that I left the ZipCar card in Baltimore.

So. Plan B is for me to return to Baltimore tomorrow evening, pick up the card, take the train back to DC and carry out Plan A. Perhaps Plan A can be accomplished tomorrow evening. Maybe I'll do it Thursday evening, which will necessitate skipping C2, which is unfortunate. Dayle, my boss, is filling in for Ett that night.

Still, I've got a bicycle for the first time since I was a kid! :-)