![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
It Takes Heart
Sep. 16th, 2004 06:55 pmLast night I attended another Heart Circle, where I sketched out the broad strokes of my life about twenty months ago and described how I then began to systematically dismantle it: quitting the job I'd had for thirteen years, ending the relationship that lasted just as long, the discovery of my HIV. I spoke about my current job and how it has forced me to reexamine my relationship with my money -- which, because I'm trading my very life for this currency, necessitates a reexamination of my relationship with myself. I spoke of the surprise and satisfaction I feel when I realize that what I really need was even less than I had thought. I spoke of building my new life: my new job, my new friends, my new home.
It seems that the expectation is that you'll speak about something that troubles you, but I stayed silent for a long, long time because I honestly couldn't think of anything in that category.
Afterwards, I remembered that one thing that troubles me is plumbing my capacity for love -- finding a man that I can devote myself to and wondering if that's even what I want. I think it's an indication of how skilled I am at avoiding these issues that I had completely forgotten it. I actually consider this a good thing; when you can't find the answer to a question immediately, I don't think you should dwell on it.
Another man at the heart circle, David, spoke privately to me as we were preparing to leave. He thanked me for my offering and said that my remarks about money gave him a lot to think about, since he's been troubling himself with that issue recently. I was very happy that I had shared something valuable to someone there.
DM was hosting a friend from Canada, Ken, who also joined the heart circle. Ken came out just last year at seventy-one years of age. Just pause and consider that: coming out at seventy-one. He's come out to his five children and his religious community. He's probably out in his little village -- you know how people talk -- although he didn't directly mention it. The courage this requires is phenomenal. He's a hero in his own life. I'm sure he's feeling a peculiar mixture of joy and bitterness. Joy at the life unfolding before him; bitterness at the time that has passed. Sadly, I won't see him again for a while, if ever, since he's already moved on in his trip.
It seems that the expectation is that you'll speak about something that troubles you, but I stayed silent for a long, long time because I honestly couldn't think of anything in that category.
Afterwards, I remembered that one thing that troubles me is plumbing my capacity for love -- finding a man that I can devote myself to and wondering if that's even what I want. I think it's an indication of how skilled I am at avoiding these issues that I had completely forgotten it. I actually consider this a good thing; when you can't find the answer to a question immediately, I don't think you should dwell on it.
Another man at the heart circle, David, spoke privately to me as we were preparing to leave. He thanked me for my offering and said that my remarks about money gave him a lot to think about, since he's been troubling himself with that issue recently. I was very happy that I had shared something valuable to someone there.
DM was hosting a friend from Canada, Ken, who also joined the heart circle. Ken came out just last year at seventy-one years of age. Just pause and consider that: coming out at seventy-one. He's come out to his five children and his religious community. He's probably out in his little village -- you know how people talk -- although he didn't directly mention it. The courage this requires is phenomenal. He's a hero in his own life. I'm sure he's feeling a peculiar mixture of joy and bitterness. Joy at the life unfolding before him; bitterness at the time that has passed. Sadly, I won't see him again for a while, if ever, since he's already moved on in his trip.
