Over-training

I got up this morning and packed for my trip: clothes, toiletries, camera, lube, etc. Every little thing that I needed for the weekend.

Except my medication.

I realized my oversight while I was on the train to DC, which arrived at Union Station about forty minutes late. I called the client and then I called Robyn to let them know the situation and that, given the train delays, just recovering my pills and returning to DC would take most of the day. So this work day has been wasted.

I'm at home and I'll shortly be preparing some lunch for myself. I have to catch the 3:30 train back to DC so I can catch a train to West Virginia. Four train trips in one day. :-\

Deconstructing Fear and Shame

HIV was on my mind this morning, since I forgot my HIV meds and therefore had to toss my entire work day into the crapper. I've written here about confronting fear and shame. On the walk through the rain from Baltimore's Penn Station to my apartment, I began to consider -- what was I afraid of? What was I ashamed of?

One interesting thought that occurred was that I might be ashamed of proving the homophobes right. "If you choose to be gay, you'll catch AIDS and die!" Let's see. Gay? Check. HIV? Check. Dead? Someday, but not necessarily from AIDS. I know that this doesn't prove anybody's viewpoint, but on an emotional level, it resonates.

I was ashamed that I had all the tools I needed to prevent this infection and I failed to use them. Beyond that, I had a chance to prove the homophobes wrong by staying HIV negative and I botched it. Every disease-ridden fag bolsters their world view.

I was afraid of what the disease would do to me. Disfigurement, disability, death. I was afraid that my friends and family would turn away. I guess I thought they'd be uncomfortable around me. I was afraid that they might be afraid, in a weird way.

I think I've done a pretty good job of putting these feelings where they belong. I don't believe any of these feelings anymore. Last night, I ran into an acquaintance that I haven't spoken to in a couple of years. "What's up with you?" he asked. "Oh, I broke up with Russell, I'm working in DC as a web programmer, I found out that I have HIV," I replied. I offer it matter-of-factly because it is a matter of fact. You want to know what's up with me? This is what's up with me.

Once you strip it of the fear and the shame, it's just a disease.

(no subject)

I've finally arrived at the Hilltop House in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. I quickly claimed my room when I arrived, then headed to the dining room. All of my meals are included in the room cost, so I won't have to spend any money for the rest of the weekend.

At the dining table, I think i alarmed the high school student that was serving us by calling him by name. "How did you know my name?" he asked, and I explained that I had overheard it when he was giving our drink order to the bar wench. Nothing like a homo who mysteriously knows your name to put the fear in a young man's heart!

I've resting a little now before joining the dancing; the hike u p the hill from the train station in the rain was a little tiring. They don't call it the Hilltop House for nothing!