Pushing my limits

You need to learn to observe yourself clearly and with a penetrating honesty that melts right through your own thoroughly built-up defenses.

"Hardcore Zen" by Brad Warner.

I get messages from folks that read these entries, praising my honesty and integrity, exclaiming about how much I'm sharing and how brave I am. "Fearless" is a word I've heard.

I appreciate the compliments, but that's not really true. Believe me, there's lots of stuff I'm not sharing. I still have boundaries. This ain't the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. "Fearless," I'm not.

Still, it's true that I'm a lot more open now and a lot more willing to make myself a little vulnerable by sharing some uncomfortable things, and this journal is a mechanism for pushing myself a little more. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about sharing something, so I don't. But other times, I share something despite the discomfort, and it suddenly isn't a big deal. Most of the time, any discomfort evaporates as soon as I submit the entry, as if it's a done deal, so no more use in worrying over it. (Despite the fact that I can delete any of these entries at any time.)

It's also very interesting to get these admiring messages when some of the stuff I write about is not very admirable at all.

Scatter-brained

Everybody's been very happy for me that my viral load is now below the detectable limit of the blood test my doctor runs every time I see him. Russell, Kirk, my boss -- all very pleased for me. I'm also gratified by all the messages I'm getting from the LJ community.

He also told me that I didn't have to take one of my pills to stave off fungal infections, a little pink pill. Until last night, I was taking a white pill and a pink pill in the evenings.

Today at lunch, I pulled out my pill carrier to take my lunch pills and froze. Rattling around in one of the compartments was a white pill and a pink pill. Shit! I had forgotten to take my pills last night, and right after I had visited the doctor, too!

Then I remembered that I don't have to take the pink pill anymore, so last night I took a single white pill from another compartment, because it was slightly easier than fishing one out from the pink pill. :-)

Tonight, I'm putting all the pink pills away!